Saturday 4 May 2013

An example of paragraph revision


For today’s “class” I thought I would give you a little example of the kind of things I do when I revise. Generally, when I write a first draft, while I do write a complete story I often don’t worry so much about how I write something as just getting the story down. When I come to revise it’s rare that I don’t change at least one or two words in every paragraph.

Tonight I was doing some first draft revising of Exile and made quite a few changes to one particular paragraph and thought I’d give you a few pointers as to why. (I also picked this paragraph because it doesn’t have any spoilers!).

Here’s the original paragraph –

He had never more strongly felt the urge to turn and walk away than he did now. The Tube Riders had been forced on the run by the DCA and the Huntsmen but none of it had been a personal choice, they had done only what they needed to do to survive. What he wanted to do now was forget everything, find his brother and keep running, keep heading south, heading away from all this. Europe was a big place, one that by all accounts was at peace, so if they could avoid the French army long enough they would surely find somewhere to shelter them, away from the Huntsmen’s reach.
(111 words)

And here’s what I did to it –

The urge to turn and walk away was as strong as it had ever been. The Tube Riders had been forced to go on the run by the Department of Civil Affairs, and they had done only what they needed to do to survive. What he wanted to do now was forget everything, find his brother and keep running, keep heading south. Europe was a big place, and one that Lionel had told him was at peace, so if they could avoid the French army long enough they would surely find somewhere to hide, away from the Huntsmen’s reach.
(99 words)

For a start it’s a little shorter. This wasn’t an intention, but that I’ve dropped the equivalent of a sentence while making it more concise will help it to flow better.

Now, to focus on some specific lines –

He had never more strongly felt the urge to turn and walk away than he did now.

become
The urge to turn and walk away was as strong as it had ever been.

mainly because I thought “more strongly” was clunky and ugly, plus I wanted “the urge to turn and walk away” to come at the beginning as the subject. While this is a passive structure, I don’t really care at this point. Chances are in the second revision it’ll end up as “Paul felt the urge to turn and walk away”, but one thing at a time. For now it’ll do.

The Tube Riders had been forced on the run by the DCA and the Huntsmen but none of it had been a personal choice, they had done only what they needed to do to survive.


became

The Tube Riders had been forced to go on the run by the Department of Civil Affairs, and they had done only what they needed to do to survive.


For a number of reasons. I changed “on the run” to “go on the run” to make it clearer, but this again may revert in the next draft. I haven’t decided yet. I changed the DCA from the abbreviation because I wanted it to have more impact than just the three letters, while I cut “and the Huntsmen” because it was inaccurate – in book one the Huntsmen are sent after the Tube Riders after they go on the run, they aren’t a cause. And I cut “but none of it …” because it was kind of obvious anyway and unnecessary here.

In the last section,

What he wanted to do now was forget everything, find his brother and keep running, keep heading south, heading away from all this. Europe was a big place, one that by all accounts was at peace, so if they could avoid the French army long enough they would surely find somewhere to shelter them, away from the Huntsmen’s reach.

I made a few more changes, to make it like this –

What he wanted to do now was forget everything, find his brother and keep running, keep heading south. Europe was a big place, and one that Lionel had told him was at peace, so if they could avoid the French army long enough they would surely find somewhere to hide, away from the Huntsmen’s reach.

I cut “heading away from all this”, because I felt it was repetitive, and didn’t add anything new to the previous clause. I changed “by all accounts” to “Lionel had told him” because I felt that “by all accounts” was clichéd and vague. (Lionel, btw, is a relatively minor character in part 2).

So there you have it. The second paragraph is far from perfect but it's a big improvement on the first. This is just an example of the kind of things I think about when I revise. My books usually get two to three revisions before I start thinking about sending them to other people. Some paragraphs will survive intact, others are completely overhauled, and some are cut completely.

I hope you find this information useful. As always, any comments are welcome.

Chris Ward

May 4th 2013

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